the cross i bear

you would think after dealing with bipolar disorder all me life i would have some stuff figured out. truth is i am just now starting to figure it out. i used to just take the meds, go to the doctor every so often and just live my life. i dont know if i am getting worse or if i am just becomeing more aware as i get older but i am noticeing now when i go from mania to depression. the thing that usually tips me off are my sleeping habits. when i am manic i feel like i never need to sleep. i will be up until two or three no problem. i notice the movement to depression when ten-thirty comes and i am ready for bed. the problem that has been on my mind alot lately is what do i do about my meds. i dont really want to be a full time student right now. but if i want to stay on my parents heath care i have to be. it is hard because i feel some decisions are being made for me. i really have no choice. and big surprise, this only sends me back to depression. i know that this is something that i can never rid myself of. this is who i am and i will have to live with is for the rest of my life. but i am simply tired of dealing with it and i am jealous of those who do not have to try and cope with something like this.